One of the cool things about being a profoundly introverted social retard is, you get to learn all kinds of fascinating relationship stuff that people half your age have known for years. Awesome!

For instance, I was in a bar talking to Robbie DaCosta the other day, and he told me about a cool trick for dealing with hot chicks. “My friend says, when you wake up in the morning after spending your first night with a beautiful woman, you should always say ‘hey babe, I’m totally into you, but you farted like six times in your sleep and it was almost too much for me’. It keeps them humble. When you’re involved with a hot chick, you’ve got to do whatever you can to keep her humble.”

Made sense to me, so I tried it right away. I went up to the hottest chick at the bar and said, “hey babe, you know I’m totally into you, but you just farted like six times and it fucking made my eyes water.”

Sure enough, it made her humble. She humbled right out of there, and I got her bar stool.

Now, if only I had the self-confidence to order a beer…