Everyone goggled in disbelief as the herald struggled to rein in his disfigured horse. With only one leg, the horse had hopped from Sri Lanka to the Netherlands. Throwing this exhausted horse to the ground where it instantly expired, the herald proclaimed, “an urgent message for the Commander at Andalusia”.

Some people muttered in whatever language they speak in Holland, “you would be fortunate indeed to get a message to Andalusia from this place, unless you have wings to fly like a bat, because we don’t know where Andalusia is and we care nothing what may happen there, besides which we care nothing for you.”

This is typical of the Dutch. They see a miracle, and they would much rather see a chicken try to climb up on an orange barrel. That would be pretty entertaining. Heralds come up seven or even eight or nine times a day; heralds are generally disliked.

Chickens, on the other hand, produce eggs. The Green Mountain Boys didn’t bother with eggs; they took delicious beef jerky. What they didn’t know is a subject for another time.

The main thing to remember is, everyone goggled in disbelief. Thank you. This is important.

One of the cool things about being a profoundly introverted social retard is, you get to learn all kinds of fascinating relationship stuff that people half your age have known for years. Awesome!

For instance, I was in a bar talking to Robbie DaCosta the other day, and he told me about a cool trick for dealing with hot chicks. “My friend says, when you wake up in the morning after spending your first night with a beautiful woman, you should always say ‘hey babe, I’m totally into you, but you farted like six times in your sleep and it was almost too much for me’. It keeps them humble. When you’re involved with a hot chick, you’ve got to do whatever you can to keep her humble.”

Made sense to me, so I tried it right away. I went up to the hottest chick at the bar and said, “hey babe, you know I’m totally into you, but you just farted like six times and it fucking made my eyes water.”

Sure enough, it made her humble. She humbled right out of there, and I got her bar stool.

Now, if only I had the self-confidence to order a beer…

Women look at me funny all the time. Like, the first time I climbed the north face of the Eiger wearing hockey skates, there was this blond chick in a dirndl and she said “deine lederhosen ist rauchnung”. I was like, “lady, these aren’t MY lederhosen. I’m just wearing these as a favor to a friend. MY lederhosen are a TOTALLY different deal!” But then I noticed she was looking at me funny. What’s up with that?