Being the Duke of Uke isn’t easy. Many have tried; most have failed.

Bill “Tappy” Tapia

The one and only original Duke of Uke was Bill “Tappy” Tapia. His claim to the Dukedom was so legitimate, that it probably wasn’t even his own idea to style himself the Duke of Uke; somebody else did him that honor. He played with with some big-name players in his early career (including Bing Crosby, Louis Armstrong, and Elvis), then he quit for about forty years, then he got back into it and played just as well as before. We met Mr. Tapia twice when he was in his 100’s (we even had our picture taken with him, but it’s a lousy photo so we won’t bother publishing it), and he could still play the ukulele with total freedom. His greatest hit was probably “Stars and Stripes Forever”, which he learned at age 8, walking down the street behind a marching band. Bill was an absolute class act and he could do this percussive finger-fan strumming trick that sounded like the drums in a marching band.

Tiny Tim

Nobody ever called Tiny Tim the Duke of Uke, so he’s neither an impostor nor a pretender. He well-earned a place on this list, however, both in glory and shame. On the glory front, it has to be admitted that Tiny Tim was gifted with an extraordinary voice. That’s not sarcasm; Tiny Tim could really sing, and he wasn’t limited to the freak-falsetto stylings that made him famous. It also must be mentioned that Tiny Tim achieved something no other performer will ever achieve: he died onstage – literally keeled over with a heart attack in the middle of a live performance for a paying audience. The medics somehow revived him, and warned him never to perform again. But he insisted on playing one last show, and sure enough he fell dead in front of his adoring fans a second time, and for all time. How many performers are tough enough to give an encore performance of their own demise? Zero, other than Tiny Tim.

The criminal shame of Tiny Tim is, he became the most famous ukulele performer ever, and he wasn’t much of a ukulele player. It is thanks to Tiny Tim, with his brilliant but ultimately limited appeal, that the ukulele has been permanently relegated to the status of a novelty instrument; a toy unfit for real musicians. That’s a pretty major disservice.

Duke of Uke, the premier Ukulele Shop in London

This Duke of Uke is rated an impostor, by virtue of being not a person. It’s a store in London where they sell ukuleles and related items. It is located at 88 Cheshire Street, E2 6EH. They’ve apparently had some trouble staying in business, so maybe you ought to go over there and buy something. If we were in London, we’d be sure to drop in, but we’re not likely to get to London.

The Duke of Uke and his Novelty Orchestra

This one is just confusing. It’s a seven-piece band that plays funky original music. So, it’s not an orchestra, it’s not a novelty, they don’t have a website, it’s not clear who is supposed to be the Duke, and their most prominent video, “Jump Back” doesn’t feature a ukulele as far as we can see. They sound pretty good; we’d buy tickets. But anyone who deliberately associates the ukuelele with novelty music deserves the Slap Of Justice.

dukeofuke.com

Obviously the most desirable website for anyone self-styling as the Duke of Uke, this domain has been squatted on since March 2011 by a vicious internet troglodyte named Lorene Anderson. Or so we thought. Turns out, Ms. Anderson directed the “Jump Back” video for The Duke of Uke and his Novelty Orchestra. Maybe they’ll do something with the domain eventually. But it seems this gang isn’t really interested in the ukulele, they just want to keep anyone else from using the brand. Lame.

duke-of-uke.com

This is the website of the most self-styled Duke of Uke ever, Jim Cser. Aw, shucks…you can’t help but love the guy. “Armed with a uke autographed by the Tiny Tim, my special mission is to unleash the healing power of the ukulele for a world in need…”

Jim Cser gets two demerits for playing with a pick and for regarding Tiny Tim as his own claim to fame. Also, there’s a bunch of Church of SubGenius stuff on his website, which just screams that he’s not to be taken seriously about anything. But we’d buy him a beer. In fact, we almost certainly will, someday. He’s right up there in PDX.

Duc

This one is strictly personal for us. Our ex-wife isn’t quite a sociopath, but she makes up for it by trying really, really hard. Ironically, just when we had invested in the Duke of Uke brand, and people around town started calling us Duke, she took up with a fellow named Duc. Her subsequent behavior proves she regards him as an impostor and a pretender, (also a puppy-kicking dunce) but he’s a useful impostor and pretender, and she’s still trying so very hard to be a sociopath. These are two people who truly deserve each other.